Writing????.........'cause I gotta.

[wazzamaloo]

Recently I applied for acceptance in to a year long film and television production course, as a writer/director. My interest lies, for the majority, in the directing. However, this application called for a three page script, which I have recently completed. Any views on it would be most appreciated.
The entire first Act is reproduced below, which by the restrictions of the application, is the ONLY Act.

ACT 1
FADE IN:

EXT. OFFICE - DAY

An office complex in the foreground of a large factory. We follow a well-dressed, 30 something man through a series of double doors into the office foyer and up to a reception desk.

JAMES: Afternoon Gloria

James places his case on the ground as he signs in to the Daily Office Book

GLORIA: Good afternoon, sir. How did the meeting go last night.

JAMES: Not bad. Order’s been postponed again, but Walker and Harper are out of the running. Messages?

He finishes his signature with an exaggerated dot to the ‘i’, picks up his briefcase and moves to the security door.

GLORIA: Pat. She missed you before work. She wanted to have……….a word. Did you sneak out of the house this morning?

JAMES: And in last night. …………like a ninja.

GLORIA: Uh Huh. Well Mike wants a meeting at 1 this afternoon.

James swipes down the electronic lock with a security card he’s drawn from his jacket pocket.

JAMES: Diary?

GLORIA: Good

JAMES: Pencil it in. And if you see him, tell him I’m like a ninja.

The security door swings closed behind him as James enters the corridor.


CUT TO:

INT. OFFICE

A young man in shirt and tie sits at his desk, concentrating intently on the computer monitor in front of him. He casts a cursory glance at James as he enters the office next door.

DAN (in a raised voice): How do you spell Charlotte.

JAMES: C-A-T-T-L-E-P-R-O-D

Dan types out the letters slowly, using both his index fingers. He searches the keyboard for each of the characters, clearly not adept at typing. Smiling as he finishes, he looks up at the screen. Cut to James as Dan yells through the office window.

DAN: *******

James grins broadly at him.

JAMES: Bill in?

DAN: I saw him about ten minutes ago in the kitchen.

Dan pushes off from his desk, launching himself across the floor on his chair. He comes to rest under the doorframe separating the two offices.

DAN: Meeting?

JAMES (sighing): After four hours they postponed the order, then we all got drunk.

DAN: Good news about that drunk thing. Four hours though? Didn’t your wife have tickets to the Hippodrome at eight?

JAMES: Yeah

DAN: How’d you get out of that. You trick her or something?

JAMES: No. After the meeting I snuck in to the house when she was asleep, and out again in the morning before she woke.

DAN: You’re playing with fire my friend

JAMES: I wouldn’t concern myself........I'm gonna lie my *** off. I'm talking prestigious placing in the New York Lie Festival, second only to the Warren Commission with its Magic Bullet Theory. [excited now] This lies gonna have choreographed dance scenes ............oohh and a sub-plot with a priest whose faith is tested by the arrival of a strange foreign lady. Yeah, women love that **** . [calm again, slightly off-handed] Possibly I’ll have a bibliography……index….maybe chapters.

DAN: You’re so full ‘a **** James. Why don’t you just get her drunk?

JAMES: That’s my alternate……….enough about me, what’s been going on here.

Dan lets out a deep breath, thinking.

DAN: Well….…. Bill sent Jerry home about an hour ago

JAMES: Jesus, he pissed Brian off a little early this week

DAN: He pissed Brian off a little early last week.

JAMES: Last week. How?

DAN: From what I understand, Brian was getting phone calls from all sorts. Weird bastards on about a personal ad in The Venue. They were wondering if Bill could set them up with something, or at the very least point them in the direction of someone that could.

JAMES: Did you get a hold of the ad

DAN: ‘Course. I sent Jane out to buy the magazine. Cut the article out [Goes into his draw and pulls it out]. Were you the red-head, wearing a blue shirt and trainers, dancing on stage during Chillies’s set at Bar Latino last Friday? I meant to talk to you but I was hallucinating and I thought you had a dog’s head and tentacles. But I'm ok now. Reply to …………and then he gave Bills name and phone number.

JAMES: No wonder the old man spat the dummy. I like it though; it has an air of…… premeditation.

DAN: To tell the truth, I think the old man liked it as well, I saw a copy of the magazine in his desk draw.

James picks up the stack of selected papers, sorted from the documents in his briefcase.

JAMES: I gotta go, I need to see Bill. I should only be ‘bout a half-hour.

He walks from the office………..

DAN: I eagerly await your return. You still up for squash at lunch.

……turning to face Dan in the doorway.

James: Yep, I’ve been working on my game. I can now use both the “I just kicked your *** ” sidelong glance and the “king of the court” swagger. We could just say you lost, and go to the pub for lunch.

DAN: Uh, huh. How bout we say I won and then I point at you with my finger and laugh.

James: See you in 30.

James turns and leaves

CUT TO:

INT. LARGE LAVISH OFFICE

Bill looks up from his work at a knock on his office door.

BILL: Come

James enters a spacious corner office. Light is flooding in through a series of windows occupying both walls. A coffee table, a set of comfortable chairs and a door to an adjacent conference room are all that stand out. That is, apart from the uncluttered mahogany desk in the corner.

BILL: Good afternoon James.

JAMES: Afternoon Sir.

BILL: Please, have a seat

James settles in to one of the comfortable chairs surrounding the coffee table. Bill rounds his desk and joins him in the chair opposite.

BILL: Have you heard the news?

JAMES smiles: The personal in the Venue

BILL: No, not that.[frustrated] Yesterday he signed me up to www dot Jonah and the whale dot com. Used my credit card details to book a two year membership.

JAMES: and that is……?

BILL: ….a **** site, fat women, small men…. I think I'm getting old. That or my son's getting a better handle on deceit and duplicity.

JAMES: ......Or perhaps a little of both. You know, a little from column A, a little from blah blah blah.

The room goes quite as both men stop talking

JAMES: Crotchety, courting, ring any bells. Just two words from a veritable dictionary of 1930's prohibition terms that you still use in every day life

Again, the room goes silent.

JAMES: On Monday last you poo pooed the late delivery clause in our BHEL contract. You actually said,"Poo Poo". I have witnesses.

BILL stares at James.

JAMES: Fine........as..always..I..am..stunned..just..how. .young..and..vibrant..you..appear..to..be.

BILL: I do believe you saved yourself from a weekend of stocktaking. [Pause] You haven’t heard then. No, I don’t suppose that you have…………..Close the door.

James returns to his seat after closing the door.

BILL: Firstly, tell me about the meeting.

JAMES: We had dinner, we had drinks, we watched some live entertainment, we briefly discussed the feasibility of a production schedule that flies in the face of design delays and an increase in factored lead-times, then more drinks. It took 2 minutes to postpone the order, and 3 hours, 58 minutes to eat a large chunk out of my expense budget.

Bill’s shoulders visibly sag.

BILL: Right……..in that case, I have two small things I need you to do. Let me begin by being very, very blunt. This company’s in trouble, so much so that your job and everybody else’s hangs on getting that order……….and getting it by Friday.

JAMES: You've got to be kid---

BILL as he holds up his hand: Yesterday evening Paul Dekker Kleyn announced during session that our guidance project has been poorly managed, and worst still, has suffered from misappropriation of governmental research funds. If he pushes it, which he will, it means at the very least a public enquiry. And that means a freeze on funding for the duration, a minimum of 6 months.

JAMES: Pee Dee Kay has his own agenda, and I understand that holding on to the public spotlight tops his chart, but litigation could only damage his creditability.

BILL: You mean file against him? For what, slander? No. He’s a careful man. It was all said under parliamentary privilege, on the floor of the house. All we can do is publicly deny it, and challenge him for evidence. Which is why I need a company representative to oppose this publicity fiasco.

The room goes quiet as Bill stops talking and once again stares intently at James

JAMES: Oh, no, no, no. Pat’s already pissed at me. If I approach her with this, the police will spend the next week draining the western aqueduct for my body. This’ll involve press releases, meetings, a national debate........my wife doesn’t want to see me in a national debate and I sure as **** don’t want to participate in one. What about you, you have a remarkable flare with the press?

BILL: I unfortunately, have a banking problem This is national news, and I don’t doubt that that is why this morning Westpac set a meeting with the board of directors and myself, scheduled for Friday. As of the beginning of this financial quarter, we are approximately 2 million dollars overdrawn, only about 1 and a half of which is secured. Up until last night, we had good prospects. Continued government funding to maintain the factory and the research. When production began on the new design we had a guaranteed four years sales to the Navy, and after that a possible 6 years to the public sector. Now [shrugs].........the bank sees an unacceptable risk………. we need that order!! That on it's own will cover the running costs of this factory for a year. If you have to sell the system at cost, then do it....but I need a signed document in my hands when I meet with the bank on Friday.

JAMES: So, I need to organise a nationwide campaign to discredit Pee Dee Kays allegations aaaaannnnddd win a 5 million dollar order in three days.

BILL: Two small things

JAMES: Two small things. (sigh)


END of ACT 1

[emjen]

It's boring. The dialogue is OK, the idea might be nice, but its quite boring.

If delete most of the script and replace it with more exciting stuff; bigger conflict at the end or whatever it might be a **** of a lot better. The idea has some potential, although it's unoriginal and pretty unimaginative.

The writing is pretty good too. It's just the execution you need to work on. Just some more rewrites will do I think.

[Phaethon]

He's mostly right. You're very good at writing solid, realistic dialog. BUT...throw things in there to keep people reading.